How to Reorder Your Life with Phone Boundaries
This was my wake up call…
After much prayer and questioning what to do, I heard the Lord say to me,
“You are like the rich young man.”
I didn’t want to hear that.
The implication being that the Lord was asking me to give something up that I did not want to.
For weeks, the thought kept coming back. Despite the rich young man’s obedience in other ways like “keeping all the commandments”, when Jesus asked this man to give up what he had, he went away sad. He was attached to his possessions, attached to the goods of this world. Not just attached, rather he was bound. So bound that he couldn’t see that Christ is the only source of real happiness. How true the words of the Gospel are to say the man walked away sad (Luke 18).
I knew what God was asking me to give him.
It was an attachment that would be inconvenient to be without.
This device, that quite literally was attached to me wherever I went.
This device that kept my mind overly occupied and my senses continuously filled; a real gluttonous feast for my sensory appetites which truthfully left me more hungry, anxious, and empty.
It would be uncomfortable like fasting always is.
But it was necessary.
The many good and practical uses of my smart phone no longer mattered when the use of it was not rightly ordered. This amount of stimulation was not good. The fruits in my interior life were the proof.
My interior life was a mess, and because of this, so was my exterior life.
My mind was never silent.
My to do list was always unmanageable.
I struggled to be still.
I struggled to pray.
And it is precisely because I felt unwilling to give it up when the Lord asked, that I knew I must.
Are you attached to your phone too?
If so, hi!
We are not alone. Go anywhere public and take a look around. I think each of us intuitively knows the amount of time we are spending on our phones is problematic but when everyone is doing it, we convince ourselves this “normal” behavior is ok. Yes, we can find good things about our phones but that is not what this post is about.
This post is about beginning the process of renewing our minds from the ways our brains have been rewired and addicted to screens. This post is an attempt to help you gain mastery over something that is so powerful that it has weakened your will and taken control over your life. This post is written to help you rightly order your use of your phone by setting up hard boundaries around its use.
I began this process four years ago.
Four years ago, when my first child was one, I began to try different boundaries around my phone and social media use, some worked and some did not. I have found different seasons and circumstances have meant reevaluating and trying new boundaries. I have tried all of the suggestions in this post, some have been permanent changes to the way I use my phone, some have been short term solutions and others long term. Every person needs to discern what is best for themselves in the season they are in. I hope this blog post is helpful in that process for you.
Wherever you are right now, whatever season you are in, I hope that some of my strategies may be helpful for you in setting up stricter phone boundaries to help you order your life.
How My Phone Changed Me
This is a journey I began when I discovered how much my phone was destroying my ability to maintain the routines in my home, to be a present wife and mother, to think clearly and maintain a peaceful interior disposition. This journey began for me with the realization that I could no longer be still, silent and pray like I used to. I wanted to pursue the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength but my mind was too noisy, too restless, too accustomed to infinitely scrolling. After a while, I realized my heart had become lukewarm. There was indifference where once there was a drive for virtue. All of the noise and the overstimulation had caused a muting effect to my spirit. I found myself going through my days appearing present but my mind was most usually elsewhere. When I felt a call to do better, I found my will was too weak, I felt like a dulled version of myself and my capacity for delight and wonder was no longer alive in me. Something in me went numb where there once was fervor and energy in faith.
On that note, pause. I have more to say about that. After I switched to a dumb phone, I have two vivid memories when the wonder returned. The first, I was watching my daughters play and I began to cry from the beauty that pierced my soul. I can’t explain it more besides the delight was something so good and pure that I had long been without and I wept for the beauty but also the sorrow of moments I missed while in “zombie mode”. And another time, I was walking to the house from the car and I saw the moon over our house. My heart was so overfilled with wonder that I began to pray words of adoration and gratitude to the Lord. I used to delight in nature daily, it was a love language between the Lord and me, I didn’t realize that it had gone away until it came back in this moment. It had gone away about as long as I had a smartphone. The return of wonder and delight in these moments was so powerful, I felt like I woke up. I realized I had gone blind from overstimulation and now, I could see again.
Ok, back to realizing I had a problem, I knew my phone use needed to change but I didn’t know how. And truthfully, I didn’t necessarily want to change. I wanted to on some level but also not on another. These was a real attachment here. So much of our modern lives are built around these devices and the gratification they provide is gripping. What’s more, there were not many voices speaking about what I was experiencing. And those that are, are silenced. The algorithms are not putting them on the top of our feeds.
However you have ended up here on this post, I am delighted to have you. If you find these words helpful for you or know someone who could benefit from reading this, please share it with them.
Three Books I Recommend for Boundaries around Technology and Phone Use:
Do you suspect you have a problem with your phone use?
Here are some signs that you might have an attachment to your phone which could benefit from setting up phone boundaries:
If you feel the urge to grab your phone in the first moment of pause.
If you feel like you never have time to keep up with your daily tasks but have spent hours daily on your phone. (This can be discovered by going to the screen time phone setting.)
If you are on your phone or constantly tempted to get on your phone around your children.
If your daily time with your spouse has turned into individually sitting in a room silently scrolling.
If you struggle with constant fear and anxiety about the waywardness of the world.
If you find you don’t know how to rest or are never in the mood for true leisure activities like reading a book or going for a walk.
If you lack creative energy and have no drive to do hobbies you once enjoyed.
If you desire to grow in intimacy with God but as soon as you are still and silent you remember a bunch of things to check on your phone.
If in those same moments of prayerful silence your mind begins to trail off into your to do lists such that you have completely taken your mind off of conversing with the Lord.
If you find yourself dialoguing with no one, but your brain is playing out words you would write in a post or random stories you feel compelled to tell. From my personal experience as a content creator, this dialogue can become constant. A constant world of things to share and compulsion of speech.
Similarly, if you find your thoughts are on rapid fire most of the day and there is constant chatter in your mind. Consider this: the concept of infinite scrolling has trained your brain to scroll through thoughts. Your thoughts will stop scrolling like this with less time on your phone. You can experience true stillness.
If after spending some time on your phone, you find yourself experiencing a pendulum of mood swings in a day, high highs and low lows or perhaps no mood swings and you feel an emotional numbness.
If you feel like you need to use your phone for every little thing from cooking to cleaning to driving to entertainment to communicating to shopping.
If not having your phone near you makes you anxious.
The concept of infinite scrolling has trained your brain
to scroll through thoughts.
Your thoughts will slow down with less time on your phone.
Let’s face it, these devices are convenient! But, if you struggle with any number of the things listed above, it is worthwhile to consider if you have given it too much power in your life. Of course, this list isn’t perfect and there can be other contributing factors to the bullet points mentioned but these are things I discovered changed when I set strict boundaries around my phone. I had not realized just how many parts of my life were negatively impacted by my phone use until I made big changes. The way it was dominating my life, relationships, moods, creative and leisurely hobbies, work, rest, and spiritual life made at least trying these boundaries worthwhile.
Truthfully, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
So where do you begin?
Where to Begin with Phone Boundaries…
Before I give you these ideas, get out a pen and paper and answer these questions. It is important to understand where your habits are rooted and what cues signal your brain to pick up your phone.
When do I struggle the most?
When do I feel most guilty for the way I use my phone?
Where are the places where I constantly find myself on my phone?
What are the times when I am most usually drawn to check it?
Who are the people I am around when I pull out my phone?
When is it hard to put it away?
How much time am I spending on my phone? (Check the screen time setting)
What else could I be doing with that time? What are some things I would prefer to be doing, routines I would like to have that currently are not possible with the way I use my phone?
What kind of person do I want to be? What kind of homemaker? What kind of wife? What kind of mother? What kind of daughter? What kind of friend?
The answers to these questions will help you better know where to begin and which phone boundary below will be best for you. It may be multiple boundaries. You can try many of them at once.
Read through the list below and see which ones you are drawn to and start there.
19 Ideas for Healthier Phone Use:
Here are 19 ideas for boundaries to help you stay in control of your phone usage and not the other way around:
Detox. My number one idea for everyone is to start by doing a phone detox. Take a break. And from there on after schedule monthly or annual breaks. Go completely phone or social media free for a period of time to reorder priorities and strengthen your will. 7 days is enough to begin to see a change and to notice some “withdrawal” symptoms, 14 days will start to allow healthier behaviors to resurface and allow you to be challenged to hold to your fast, 30 days is totally reorienting. 90 days and your will find your brain has changed. Life will no longer be the same.
Schedule unplugged days, many people like to do this on Sundays since it is considered a “Day of Rest”. Wednesdays and Fridays are also typical fasting days in the Catholic church. Consider them as well. Depending on your schedule other days may be a natural fit. How unplugged you are is largely up to you. I love turning my phone off and being out of touch on Sundays.
Set daily time limits in the settings of your phone specifically on the apps that take up the most of your time. If you find yourself unable to keep to these limits, have your spouse set a password that only they know to lock and unlock certain apps.
Create “No Phone Times” in your day, for example: No phone until 9 am or no phone after 9 pm.
Create “No Phone Zones”, certain rooms where you do not use your phone, for example: No phone in your bedroom.
Limit phone time around other people, especially children. Be specific about what you are allowed to do around them, for example: No social media or only using podcasts and the camera. Make an intentional effort to tell your children what you are doing if you take your phone out. “Mommy is going to look at our directions on the map” and then put it away after.
Give your phone a specific “resting place”. Put it in the same place when you are not using it. Keep it in the kitchen or in the bathroom or hide it in a drawer if you need to. There are even specific devices meant to help with this. Here is one example: The Phone Box.
Make designated phone use times where you can use it freely without guilt! Perhaps during a baby's nap-time or when you go to the bathroom or while making dinner. For years I only got on social media on Wednesdays and Thursdays. This worked great for a while. Another time to check in on things could be after the kids go to bed, but this can be a slippery slope for late night scrolling and likely will require another boundary to be in place.
Give your children and spouse permission to hold you accountable. Give them permission to ask you to put your phone away.
Turn off your phone when you are not in need of it or at least log out of apps that cause you to waste time. This one seems insignificant but do it. Turn it off and you will feel a difference. There is freedom in knowing it's completely and totally off and you are unavailable to dinging notifications. You may notice a world of chatter in your mind suddenly is silent.
Delete excessive apps from your device. You don’t need google, amazon, and so many other apps at your fingertips. You can use a laptop for them. If you have nagging thoughts about things you need to look up or buy, resist the impulse to do it right then and there. Write it on a notepad and visit the list at a later time, and chances are the impulse/desires may change later on.
Buy a real alarm clock. You don’t need your phone to wake you up. If you use your phone as an alarm clock chances are you will get on your phone first thing and then start the day off with an overload of information that will both zap your motivation and drain your energy. Buy an alarm clock! I love and use this one.
Set up times when you will be out of reach and times when you will be in reach for friends and family (unless in case of emergency). For example tell people this “feel free to call me any day from 4-6pm” or “I will have do not disturb on after 8pm” or “I will respond to messages after the kids are in bed”. It was once the case that no one would get a phone call after 8 or 9pm but with texting there is an expectation to always be available. Whatever you choose, be sure to communicate this to your close friends and family. There is freedom when this is communicated.
If you are concerned about being out of reach, consider a landline or a bluetooth phone what connects to your phone so you can receive phone calls in your home without your phone on you. The Ooma is also a cool home phone option but it will only work connected to wifi.
Download an app which will convert your phone screen to a minimalist phone. There is one for andriods called The Minimalist Phone App and there are similar ones for iPhones. For iPhones, I personally like The Dumb Phone App, the only thing that needs to be decluttered is your app library which unfortunately can’t be deleted completely.
Keep track of your life the old school way. Get a planner and calendar your life on paper. I have shared all my favorites in the Married & a House Market.
Turn on grayscale. If you grayscale the display on your phone you will immediately feel less of an impulse to check it. All the bright colors and red notification bubbles actually do something to your brain. It draws you in and keeps it exciting. Grayscale. You will feel it.
Try using a device which disables your abilities on your phone. I had this one for a time: the Brick. There were pro’s and con’s but I know it works amazing for some!
Last, but not least, you can choose to go with THE FOOL PROOF OPTION…
If none of these phone boundaries work for you…
Now, if you have found none of these ideas work for you, if the idea of keeping up with these boundaries is overwhelming to you, or if you have found yourself humbled by your complete and total weakness against the power of your device, I have been there too. In fact, I began writing this blog post from that exact place. The boundaries I once set which worked so well for me for many years stopped working after some time. It was too much work to maintain them and I found myself struggling in a particularly challenging season of my life. I needed something simpler. And I discerned my next step was to go with a fool proof option. Something that took all the control out of my hands.
The Dumb Phone
The best option for me was to get a “dumb phone” as it is called. A phone which has no access to social media or browsers or anything which causes me to scroll and waste time. There are various options available for this kind of thing but after looking at the options out there (This is one interesting one), I decided to go with the Wisephone II from Techless. I love the mission behind this company and love that they call it a Wise Phone. The Wisephone II’s system is built on a Samsung phone so it is not a cluncky phone which is incapable of convenient apps like GPS. It is a locked down Samsung Galaxy. It has a good camera and many of the apps you know and love (Venmo and other Banking apps, Spotify, Google Maps, Google Photos, Hallow) without any of the apps that are addicting.
I will be sharing more about my experience with the Wisephone in another post, but if you are curious to try this option, my discount code is: AllisonM
A Final Word of Encouragement
I know from first hand experience this task seems overwhelming. And you will begin to doubt whether or not you need to do this. You may feel very discouraged from the place you are in now. That is another result of attachment to these phones. This discouragement is a fruit of the way it has enslaved you. My friends do not despair, there is grace available to you for this very thing!! If God is calling you, he will supply the grace after you take the step in faith. Your phone may be a stumbling block in the way of receiving the grace he has waiting for you.
When you give it over, you will not be left with empty hands. Trust. He will fill the void.
The Lord says, “Give me what you have and come and follow me.”
“And the truth will set you free.”
”And I will give you rest.”
“And my joy will be in you and your joy will be complete.”
Happy unplugging my friends! Before you go…
Leave a Comment
Leave a comment and tell me what boundaries you are thinking of implementing in your life! Share with me if this blog post was helpful. Connect with me! I want to know who is walking with me in this so I can pray for you.
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